My Journey

Life has been a whirlwind the last year or so. And lately I've been dealing with what some may call a mid life crisis.  A moment in time when one looks at their life and wonders, am I doing this all wrong?  What have I become? Where am I going, really? That sort of thing.

The largest struggle in my life that may have caused these questions, is that I've always felt called to be a leader, or the actual WORD used for what I feel called to is pastor. I spent a lot of my life believing that meant one day I'd become a pastor of a church. And no matter what I do, the minute I walk into a church, I get red lights all over.  But I keep pressing on, thinking, nah, it's just my nerves, or I'm being judgmental or what have you. Then like clockwork, I get sucked into church life.  I get involved in everything, people start noticing me, and what I bring to the table. But then something happens... also like clockwork.  Things start breaking down. It's gotten to the point where I'm realizing the red lights I feel when I start wanting to be part of a church, are ACTUAL warnings that perhaps God himself is throwing my way saying... "This is NOT the way I have set for you"

After this last year of thinking and pondering why this keeps happening, I think I may have realized something.  My style of leadership, simply does not fit in the current way we see "church" being run.  For years, I thought, there's something WRONG with the church. I'm learning, that's not quite accurate. There's a MAJOR difference in the hearts and minds of many folk in my generation and younger (especially younger) that sees VERY little use in what we Christians call church. It's sort of... obsolete, like encyclopedias and land lines.  Yeah, there are many people who swear by it, and they get along just fine with them, but there's so much more available now.

Here's what I believe caused this obsolescence. Old school study techniques are slowly subsiding, because we have learned as a society that information is just a click away. Why would I spend hours and hours forcing my brain to remember chapter and verse numbers, when I can just whip out my phone and look it up.  Not only would you get the verse but about 100 versions of the verse, probably about 100k websites that talk about what that verse means to the author, probably a TED talk on youtube on the topic, and a bunch of official commentaries.  Also, why do we need one bloke to do tons of studying every week just to give us an hour long lecture, when we could learn a WHOLE lot more if we were to do our own research...  And there's the situation in a nutshell.  People are now learning on their own, on their own time, with their own resources.  People with their "regular" "non-pastor like" life are learning as they go, while doing things that everyone else in the world are doing as well (working, watching their children, etc)

Knowledge is free, knowledge is easy to come by. Why do we spend 90% of our Christian interactions spewing out knowledge to each other? Why are our get-togethers called Bible Studies? In the eyes of the coming generations, we're doing it wrong.

We are called to fellowship regularly.  This... is the basis for which we've built what we now call "church", but fellowship is just a Christianized word for hanging out.  In other words, hang out with your friends on a regular bases, focus on relationship, don't separate yourself from your community.  Church, as it stands today, is obsolete.  It served a good purpose for it's time, but it's grown old and tired, like the encyclopedia set sitting on a shelf at your local Goodwill.

The problem that I have, is that it's stupid hard to find a community of believers without catering to this dead horse, because we all have learned to put up with this game we play, just so that we can be  part of a community.  I'm saying, we need a new game.  And we need one quickly, or the next generation will find a community elsewhere... like I have, playing Minecraft of all things.

And as silly as this sounds, THAT is where I learned that I can be a pastor anywhere I go.  I'm not spewing out information, I'm not running a local bible study.  No.  I encourage people to be creative, I encourage people to work together, and work past each other's differences.  Just by being who God made me to be, I've gone from a regular player to being a mod, and now I'm a full on admin of the server.  People enjoy what I have to offer there. Well, my knowledge of how servers work helps, but by being the kind of guy who Christ has called me to be.  I've effected more lives spending time with regular people "in the world" than I could ever do while playing the game of modern church.

That is what God called me to.  And I will be that guy where ever God places me.

Things I'm Learning from Being a Sound Tech

One of my favorite things I used to always say to my friend Kevin when I was running sound for him, or any other band I worked with.  My job as the sound guy is to project the unique awesomeness of any particular band.  Whatever they want to sound like, I make sure that style sounds good, even if sometimes it's not quite my own style.

I think I need to translate my sound tech motto, into my family life.

So how can I, as a dad, make my families uniqueness shine through?  What EQ knob can I turn to make it so that any two "instruments" won't turn each other into mud.  How can I help everyone to blend with each other better.

I need to listen closely to each instrument to see what unique sound they're producing, and decide what "role" they fit in.  If there's a bass player, I make sure no other instruments carry much of their own bass, because the bass is making the best sound in that frequency range.  If there are two guitars, I listen and decide what frequency range they fit into, if they're too close, I change their frequency ranges so that one fits in one spot, and the other fits in another.  If that doesn't work, I'll put one guitar on the left speaker, and the other on the right.  Vocalists work the same way.  The overtones of the vocalists vary, and I try to accent the frequency of their overtone, especially if it's unique to the rest.  If there's a lead vocal, I make sure their voice's frequency is clear from all the instruments, so that everything supports their words.  If there are backup singers, I treat them as instruments, not vocals, as they too are playing the supportive role.

It helps if the band understands this as well, as they can tune their sound according to these concepts.  Backup singers shouldn't pronounce their words as tightly as the lead singer, as well as choosing harmonies, rather than repeating the main melody.  If there are two guitar players, they should choose to play two different parts rather than slamming out the same thing.  If there's a bass player, the piano and guitars shouldn't hit too hard on their lower notes, as that's the bassist's role.

All this is done so that there isn't "mud".  Mud is when there is too much sound doing the same thing, and it causes sound waves to collide, which is extremely unpleasant to listen to.  As the sound tech, I can do a lot toward avoiding mud, however, I can only go so far with EQ knobs and faders.  It's up to the artists to make good choices as a band as well.

The main contributor to mud, is when everyone plays their instrument as if they're the only one playing.  They play in a way that would fill the sound by themselves, just them, their voice and their instrument.  As if no one else is around.  But if everyone fills their sound so much, even if everyone's playing expertly and singing with the voices of angels, it's going to sound terrible.  No one person in the band should think of themselves as "carrying the whole band".  Each instrument has its place, each voice has its place.

Back to being a dad. How can I, as a dad, help everyone find their role, and teach them to not worry about filling the whole "sound" but find their sweet spot, and hit that spot hard.  I can't go around telling everyone what to do.  Try telling an electric guitarist how to tweak his amp… doesn't go so well.  The only thing that can help an instrument player learn this, is to get them to hang out with fellow guitar players that "get it".  Won't happen overnight, but slowly they'll start learning how to fit themselves into the band.

But how do I get Angie to find other moms who "get it" or me to find other dads for that matter.  Most parents are also learning to "get it" themselves, and everyone has unique kids.  So the natural role one mom might find themselves in, will more than likely not fit the kind of role another mom needs to fit in.  In the band world, it's easier to find "experts" as a lot of instrument players have been in several bands over the years, and learning to gel with a new band becomes easier and easier after every experience.  Most parents only do the "parent" thing in one band, ever.  The only experts out there are observers, and mentors who have helped several families learn to gel together. But finding a mentor that isn't completely stuck on the roles they themselves found worked in their own family is extremely difficult, if not impossible. The best I think anyone can do is to try to find a mentor that fits their own personality, and hope for the best.

But is there another way?  I don't know.

Maybe we can learn a few things from this dumb band analogy I've come up with.  Don't play as though you're the only one playing.  That translates nicely.  If there's a conflict, put one person on the right, and the other on the left.  Hahaha.  Learning what "frequencies" each other are best at, and letting people have elbow room where their personal skills flourish.  If someone needs to take a lead role in something, be ok with toning things down and playing the supporting role; not everyone can solo all at once. 

I suppose I can learn a lot from my experiences as being both in bands, and as the sound tech.  Maybe one day I can help others by "projecting the unique awesomeness of their families"  As for now, I need to work on my own families unique awesomeness.

Programming

The hardest part about being me is that I am a creative guy. I like to come up with new things, new ideas, new concepts. I like to innovate, and fulfill needs, and help people develop the most efficient way to handle situations. I also like to make things look awesome. 

That all sounds great, and it's definitely what people would be looking for in a new hire, or even business partner. 

The problem?

Once I've figured out a puzzle, once I created something that works and looks great... I become disinterested in it. If I have to repeat the same puzzle over and over, the first few times are great, even the first 10 - 15 times. But after a while I find myself with a set way to handle a puzzle. Once that happens, I get... well... bored. 

That's when I turn to my blog, make a cool looking picture with a programming theme, and I vent about how I'm doing the same thing over and over.

Now it's time to make some coffee.  

Ha.

Dreams

I just had something hit me today. I haven't been confronted with this question in a long long time.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

The reason I haven't heard that question is because I'm not in the demographic that gets asked that question. I'm at the age now where I am now living that illusive "in 5 years" world. You know, that world where I'm married, with two kids, and working in the field of my 5th grade selves dreams.

But where have the goals gone? Where are the dreams? I find it easier to ask myself, where do I see Mill Supply in 5 years, or where do I see NASPL in 5 years?  Or even, where do I want to see my kids in 5 years?

But where do I see myself in 5 years? Where do I see Angie and our relationship in 5 years? I don't know. I have no clue. Honestly feels like my personal goals are so tied in to paying off debts, and getting work done for my clients that I have no room for the big lofty dreams of my childhood.

My dreams did not fit the typical american dream. No. I once had a dream that I could set up a youth camp, I even drew up plans for the place back when I was 17. I had a dream about being a youth pastor at an awesome church. I had a dream about being apart of a theatrical team running the lights and sound, and putting together staging. I wanted to be apart of a band that traveled and created music all the time. My dream was that my wife would be apart of all those things.

Those dreams are why I dropped programming when I started college.  I didn't want to be the guy who grew old behind a desk. I didn't want to be the guy who never had time for his kids. I wanted kids so bad because I didn't want to loose the child inside myself.

That child is gone.

Maybe my 5 year goal should be to regain that child somehow, to bring him back. But I wonder... Where did he go?

Chuck-a-holic

Ok, you know you have a problem when it's only been 4 days sense you've discovered a show, and you're already halfway through the second season. I've always saw it on Netflix, but it took one of my friends saying, "How in the world could you not like Chuck" for me to realize I needed to watch it.

I'm a cliff-hanger-a-holic. If a show leaves me hanging, I simply MUST watch the next episode. This is why I quit watching 24 after the 3rd season.

My question is, do I have a problem? Am I alone? And if not, why hasn't anyone told me to stay away from this amazing show?!?