I just had something hit me today. I haven't been confronted with this question in a long long time.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
The reason I haven't heard that question is because I'm not in the demographic that gets asked that question. I'm at the age now where I am now living that illusive "in 5 years" world. You know, that world where I'm married, with two kids, and working in the field of my 5th grade selves dreams.
But where have the goals gone? Where are the dreams? I find it easier to ask myself, where do I see Mill Supply in 5 years, or where do I see NASPL in 5 years? Or even, where do I want to see my kids in 5 years?
But where do I see myself in 5 years? Where do I see Angie and our relationship in 5 years? I don't know. I have no clue. Honestly feels like my personal goals are so tied in to paying off debts, and getting work done for my clients that I have no room for the big lofty dreams of my childhood.
My dreams did not fit the typical american dream. No. I once had a dream that I could set up a youth camp, I even drew up plans for the place back when I was 17. I had a dream about being a youth pastor at an awesome church. I had a dream about being apart of a theatrical team running the lights and sound, and putting together staging. I wanted to be apart of a band that traveled and created music all the time. My dream was that my wife would be apart of all those things.
Those dreams are why I dropped programming when I started college. I didn't want to be the guy who grew old behind a desk. I didn't want to be the guy who never had time for his kids. I wanted kids so bad because I didn't want to loose the child inside myself.
That child is gone.
Maybe my 5 year goal should be to regain that child somehow, to bring him back. But I wonder... Where did he go?
2 comments:
I can relate. I think of singing and ministry and I honestly go through a few phases of emotion. Anger, frustration, sadness, and eventually numbness. To me it is painful. The "dream" of working with at risk kids is a joke because I have yet to find a church who has a heart to serve those kids. Even the experiences with parachurch org's were not pleasant. I have been left with a feeling of purposelessness. I do not belong here, I tell myself. Seems everyone is so focused on making their life be what they want it to be, that they miss the bigger picture. That or they are trying to be perfect, trying to complete their given task and forget that the things God said were remembered were the things you did for the least of these, not how clean your house was, how many figures you make, or how many people you got saved.
Sorry, rant over. Just a lot of painful experiences that never seem to go away. They are seemingly reborn everywhere you turn. So is life I suppose.
I love you, Angie.
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